


Bushy?

by cabes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gay Male Character, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, One Shot, Slash, Snarky Draco Malfoy, Witch Weekly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29740137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabes/pseuds/cabes
Summary: Draco uses Witch Weekly to expose Harry's secrets in an effort to win over the Savior.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Kudos: 27





	Bushy?

_Witch Weekly - 17 January 1996_

Bushy? Breaking news… we have received an account that a certain young man has a hair problem. More to follow over the next several weeks.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 24 January 1996_

Bushy? A half-blood youngster with a wild mane of pubic hair? More to follow.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 31 January 1996_

Bushy? Broom rider? More to follow.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 7 February 1996_

Bushy? A certain seeker is found to be abundantly fluffy just south of his belt. More to follow.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 14 February 1996_

Bushy? Who is our favorite underaged bachelor? More to follow.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 21 February 1996_

Bushy? Can emerald eyes spell us into not seeing certain gruesome features? More to follow.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 28 February 1996_

Bushy? Is the raven-haired youngster with the messy head hair the one with the abundant fluffiness? More to follow.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 6 March 1996_

Bushy? Is the pubic hair the only thing that’s bent about this young man? More to follow.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 13 March 1996_

Bushy? We have it on best authority that a certain raven-haired seeker has a rat’s nest down under. He’s certainly not in Australia, but at a Wizarding school of some repute. Several reports given to this publication tell of post-Quidditch showers in which the young man was seen in the all together. One young woman told us that the young man’s bollocks couldn’t be seen for the tangle of black hair. A platinum blonde student tells of foot-long hairs around the areola. Another student tells of flowing hair between the buns.

* * *

_Witch Weekly - 20 March 1996_

Bushy? Our original source speaks!

Dear Witch Weekly: It’s all too obvious who “bushy” is [eye roll]. I gave you this story thinking that you would be a bit more tasteful in revealing the secret. Harry Potter has been seen whilst showering after Quidditch matches. The handsome young seeker has an abundance of pubic, bum, and chest hair the likes of which have not been seen in the last hundred years. This attractive, upstanding, bright classmate has sent Mr. Potter a steamer trunk full of tools and spell books to help Mr. Potter’s wayward body hair. Hopefully, he will use this to attract this young man’s attention.

I have it on best authority that our savior is as bent as a circle. His absolute failure in the mastering of silencing charms has led many to hear his screams of my name during the occasional midnight wank. I do share a certain closet with the savior. Perhaps he would like to step out of it with me?

Yours, Blondie

* * *

_Personal Correspondence – Friday 22 March 1996 8:00 a.m._

~~Potter~~ Harry: I hope you have seen the meanness and nastiness of the recent Witch Weekly articles. It was my sick and twisted way of getting you to know that I am like yourself… bent. I believe that you might have certain feelings towards me. Your two best friends approached Pansy to inquire about my sexual orientation. While it has never been a secret, it has never been made public. Pansy only revealed the information after an intense session of mediation in which Granger and Weasley admitted to your obsession for a certain shockingly blonde Slytherin.

I have notified my parents of my penchant for buggery. They have officially disowned me. I’m alone now and it hurts. I’m crushed. I can’t help but be myself. I do not ask for your pity, but your help.

Should you wish to pursue a relationship with me, I would prefer that you do not let Granger research the courting gifts and ceremonies of pure blood relationships. I do not desire a silk scarf with embroidered cherry blossoms. I do not wish for you to make dinner for me. I do not wish for you to wait ten weeks to make love to me. I only ask for your love.

I apologize for my incredibly poor treatment of Granger, the Weasley horde, and you. I’ve done a lot of reflection since being disinherited over Christmas holidays. I ask that you find it in your heart to be my friend.

If you do not wish to enter into a relationship with a foul git such as me, I need to know that. I ask for your presence in the Room of Requirement at ten o’clock tomorrow night. You may wish to use the grooming products given to you on Wednesday. I only ask that you keep your wild head hair as it is and to not groom your underarm area. It drives me insane.

As I am now homeless and will be turned out of every full blood household henceforth, I ask if you could perhaps help me in finding lodgings. I’ve heard that you are close to my cousin who I believe still resides in the old Black family home. I could live with my godfather, Severus, but that would most likely not be conducive to your presence in my life. Still, he has offered.

Harry, I never thought I would be able to let my feelings and emotions flow like this. I promise you that it is under the influence of Veritaserum. It was the only way I could express my true feelings towards you.

I don’t know for sure that you are a poof. I hope to Merlin that you are. If not, I have just made the worst mistake of my life. That’s okay. I don’t deserve your love, do I? My mind is swimming with doubts, questions, and Wrackspurts, as our friend Luna would say. That Luna… she gave me the confidence to write this letter. She has the annoying ability to see things that we don’t. She sensed your passion towards me. She’s seen the stolen glances between us. Luna is a gentle, yet wise soul.

I have renounced the life of a Death Eater. I laugh at the Dark Lord’s plans. Please help me be good. I wish to fight with you side-by-side against the forces of evil.

Yours truly, Draco

* * *

_Personal Correspondence – Friday 22 March 1996 9:30 a.m._

Draco, I don’t doubt that your letter was written under the influence of Vertiserum. If not, it’s the worst joke perpetrated against me.

My feelings for you are wildly passionate. I only ask that you understand that I have never been with a man… or a woman. Please help me in my journey to enjoy our shared lifestyle. Certain hairs have been manicured to what is hopefully to your liking. My feelings for you are unbounded. Yes, the rumors of my screaming your name amidst orgasm are true.

Meeting request accepted.

Your fellow poof, Harry


End file.
